The Legend of Zelda: Messanger of Doom
by Dr. Wonderful
Summary: Link is sent on errands by the various people in this game. It is funny, yes?
1. Part 1

"LINK! LINK!" Navi cried. "Wake up!"

"... Huh? Where am I?"

"YOU'RE IN YOUR TREE HOUSE!" Navi screamed. "And you **_SHOULD _**be in Hyrule. Princess Zelda wanted to talk to you today, **_REMEMBER_**?"

"Maybe yes... Maybe no... Wait, wait... waaitt... no. YES!"

"Oh god... Just get up and start rolling to the castle, seeing as you DON'T KNOW HOW TO RUN!" Navi shouted angrily.

"Geeze... what's up with you today...? Since when have you cared so much?"

"Hey, hey." Navi said sarcastically. "Let's just get going."

* * *

Link tumbled and tumbled till his bottom was sore.

"Why can't they ever cut the grass? IT'S SO PRICKLY!" Link said rubbing his ass.

The Drawbridge fell as dawn broke. Running in Link met up with Zelda.

"Hey, you needed me?" Link questioned.

"Yeah, I need you to go to Lon Lon Ranch and get me some milk! NOT the cheap kind!"

"There's and expensive kind?"

"Please, if you don't get it soon, our kingdom is doomed! (Dun dun dun!)" Zelda pleaded.

"Yes master." Link mumbled.

Navi whispered to Link, "Don't you think she could have got a guard or something to go get the milk?"

"It's because I do it the best!" Link said arrogantly.

* * *

Link ran to Lon Lon Ranch, which took him to night and it was closed. Awww.

"I guess I'll wait till morn'" Link said.

"Since when have you talked like that...?" Navi thought for a minute. "WHEN HAVE YOU EVER TALKED?"

"Um. I don't know?" Link answered, trying to dodge the question.

"... Fair enough."

A wolfo popped up. Link crouched holding his sword up as it glowed. (You know what I'm talking about ((wink)) ) He spun around killing it. 15 damage! His magic meter went down.

"Navi, you can come out from hiding now." Link smirked.

"What are you talking about? I've been hovering right by him so you can lock on!"

"...**_SUUURRREEEE_**..."

"You know what Link? YOU CAN LEAVE!" Navi pointed her arm away, but no one could see it in the blob of light. "Crap... This is useless..."

"You're right! It's day! YAY!" Link cried like a fat girl in a chocolate factory whose mom had put her on a diet so she started eating her mattress and uh... long story. Link ran into the farm to the milk bar where he found **_GANON_** passed out.

"Hey Gannypoo! ... Gannypoo? Oh come on now! I thought we settled are differences!" Link poked him with his sword. _Poke. Poke._ "Uhh... OH NO! NAVI! QUICK GIVE ME MY BOTTLE WITH YOUR COUSIN IN IT!"

"Oh well. I got 12,345,671 of them." Navi handed the bottle to him as Link fed the fairy to Ganon and his hearts filled back up.

"Huh? Oh... It's you Link! ... So? How's Zelda?" Ganon questioned trying to start a conversation.

"Oh yeah! That reminds me! I need to get her... Flowers! No... That's not it..."

Navi hit Link over the head (but not very hard seeing as she's the size of a Pea) "IT'S MILK YOU IDIOT!"

"Well somebody's gwumpy..." Link said as he scratched his head where Navi had hit him. "Hey Gannypoo? Seeing as I **_DID_** save you from being imprisoned for a long time... Can I borrow some Rupees to by some milk?"

"Sure." Ganon checked his change purse. "Here!"

Link walked up to the bartender. "Yo, Barkeep. Hit me up with a large one, yo!"

Navi sighed.

"See Navi! I keep it real." Link said as he tucked the milk into his poncho... Er I mean tunic.

_**TBC

* * *

**_

This is just to torture you that I put a TBC. Will Link make it back in one piece to Zelda? Will she send him on **_ANOTHER_** pointless errand? I DON'T KNOW! I haven't written it yet! That was rigid and British! (Please review!)


	2. Part 2

As Link left the... er... um... bar, he waved goodbye to Ganon.

"Bye Ganypoo! Have a nice one!" Link called over his shoulder.

"You DO realize he'll one day rape you..." Navi said, popping back into his hat.

"What do you do up there in my hat?" Link asked.

"Um..."

FLASHBACK!

"Hey babe, your place or mine?"

"I've got this hat..."

Return to now

"Yeah..."

"You uh... uh... never mind... Let's just get to Zelda!" Link ran into the open field.

* * *

"Hey. Hey... Hey. Hey... Hey. Hey..." Navi repeated annoyingly.

Link pressed "up C"

"You should talk to Saria." Navi said.

"Ok! ... Wait. First Zelda... besides she's got the hots for me." Link boasted.

"Fine. Well, just go in. The drawbridge is open!"

"Oh I didn't even realize we were there yet!" Link ran into the castle, stopping and talking to the occasional guard.

* * *

Once into Zelda's room, he presented her with the Milk of Life... er... uh... Milk!

"Thanks Link! Now I need you to do another errand -er- heroic deed!" Zelda smiled. "Go back to Milk Bar and sell this milk back for DOUBLE the price!"

"Otay! But first I must talk to Saria!" Link played a silly tune on his Ocarina that stuck in your head. I mean! Doo doo doo! Doo doo doo! Uh... And warped to the temple place of trees.

* * *

"Link! There you are!" Saria said with her obnoxious laugh. "I need you to go buy me some milk!"

"Really?"

"No!" She giggled. "I need you to go into the Temple of Wisdom and-"

"There's a Temple of Wisdom?" Link interrupted.

"Of course there is! That's where you fought... uh..." She started muttering. "Random person..."

"Oh! OK! What do you need me to do?"

"Collect the 3 sacred artifacts of Nam." Saria seemed all of a sudden.

"oOOoOooOoo" The narrator howled in a ghostly tune!

"Dun dun dun! But why do you need the artifacts?" Link accused Saria of being a jewel hoarder.

"Without them, my parents will die!"

"You have parents?"

"Just get going!"

"What will I get in return?" Link raised and lowered his eyebrows in a cool fashion.

"Um... A... Surprise!"

"YAY! THAT'S MY FAVORITE!" Link shouted.

"Link! Use your inside voice!" Navi hit him on the head again.

"Sorry." Link shrugged.

Link ran to the Wisdom Temple, which was conveniently located in his backyard. "I never knew that was there! Then again... I never knew... Uh... Something!"

TBC!

* * *

I do not hate Link. He is awesome. I am straight. Do not be mean, you wizards you.


	3. Part 3

Link enterered the wisdom temple. Only to find his brother. Charley.

"Charley, I didn't know you exsisted" Link exclaimed.

"I don't, only in your imagination." Charley faded away into the night like a ... ghost.

"Awww"

"We have to find those things we were suppose to find Link!" Navi bitched.

"Sure thing... bitch"

He walked into a room where a big mummy was.

"Link you have to use your powers"

"Like that 1 time with the witches?"

_**FLASHBACK

* * *

**_

"Link you have to use your powers" said navi the gigantor.

"FIRE" Witch1 called as fire came through her hands PWEU!

"ICE" Witch 2 called as ice came through her hands PWEU!

"ARMS" Witch 3 called as she rased her arms and expled an odor so pungent it sent giants CRUMBLING to thier knees.

"Ooo! Bravo!" Link clapped!

_**BACK TO NOW

* * *

**_

"Or the time with the tiger"

_**FLASHBACK

* * *

**_

"I have big teeth"

"AHHHH!"

_**BACK TO THE FUTURE

* * *

**_

"No! Not like those at all." Navi said.

"AHH MUMMY IS ATTACKING!" Link pulled out his sling shot.He shot it at the mummy's kidney.

"Oh... good aim" Navi said as the mummy cried falling to the ground.

"Oh i will give you a prize for beating me. Either the 3 artifacts of Nam, or the mystery box!" The mummy congratulated.

"We'll take the 3 artifacts of Nam" Navi said in a obvious Family Guy referense.

"Hey no. See the mysterybox could be anything. Even the 3 artifacts of Nam! You know how much we've wanted those!"

"We'll take the Artifa-"

"WE'LL TAKE THE BOX!" Link interupted.

_**3 minutes later

* * *

**_

"We'll take the box" Navi said mocking Link.

"Hey atleast we got a talking shoe." Link said.

"Let's trade in that horrid shoe" Navi said.

"But i'm your best friend" Shoey said in a hic-ish voice.

"Yeah... I think we will" Link stared at the shoe."Your the worst character Shoey."

"Your calling me out partner." Shoey said."Can i visit my good friend the Table Monster."

"No"

* * *

TBC 


	4. Part 4

Dear Link,

I am leaving you today because you hit my mom.

Love,

Patty Mayonaise

* * *

"wow" Link said as he read the letter. "I wish somebody was here to share my pain"

"We are here for you!"Link's friend's shouted.

"I love my friends, because they are the best freinds on the earth, o woah, the earth, o woah woah woah" Link sang " They are the Ketchup on my french fries, they are the ice in my tea, they are the pickles on my sandwich, they are the only mayonaise for me. My friends MY FRIENDS my friends MY FRIENDS. Yay for friends, yay for friends."

"Hey Link, let's go give Saria the Artifacts of Nam." Navi said.

* * *

**3 HOURS LATER**

"Well, it took us 3 hours to get here." Link said.

"Yes... indeed" Navi said.

"Link, did you get thy artifacts for thee?" Saria said.

"Yes" Link replied.

"Do you know what they do?" Saria questioned.

"No ma'am!" Link exclaimed.

"They turn you immortal with almighty POWER! bleh eh ha hee hoo haah hi ho ha hu hu he hu hu." Saria then swallowed the artifacts of Nam and then jumped into the computer conveniantly set infront of her."Mu-ha...ha. I will destroy the universe."

"LINK YOU MUST'NT HURT YOUR FRIEND!" Navi said.

"Well it's a tough decision"

"YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT noOOOOW!"

"Well I guess its better to kill a friend, then it is to destroy the universe." Link plunged toward her, ripping out her soul and divourering it.

"Link you seem alittle demented." Navi said." Use the lense of truth to see your hands!"

"They look evil! Oh no! Saria's evilness must have infected me. I'll have to destroy my hands before it spreads to the heart.

"Link I'll go inside you, and stop you with my mini fairy sword."

"You must save the goodness, Closer to the heart. Yeah CLOSER TO THE HEART!."

* * *

**5 MINUTES LATER**

"I don't feel very good." Link grunted. "I better drink some Pepto Bismal. That doesn't seem very evil."

Little did Link know that would be the end of his little fairy friend.

* * *

**INSIDE OF LINK**

"I've defeated every monster in Link except the main boss. And i got the boss key! Oh no... i smell... PINK! from the bove."

Navi flew out of Link and with her last breathe shouted "LINK YOU MUST SPLIT IN TWO SO THE EVIL DOESNT TAKE OVER YOUR VERY ESENCE."

* * *

Link learned the technique and split in two.

"Muah ha ha ha i'm EVIL Link. From now on i shall be known as... MR. KEENE. "

"And i'm good Link, from now on i shall be known as... LINK."

* * *

**TBC!**


	5. Part 5

The ending of this story will make your face implode. I don't know what makes your face implode, but that's the way the story ends. 

Mr. Keene and his bandits quickly grew three times their normal size by using Enhancements for Men.

Link held up the Lens of Truth to find out that the men standing before him werent 5 men, but just one man! Not only that, but it was Ganondorf!

"Hua hua hua hua, come here kiddies!" Ganon moaned as he used his time powers to switch link back to young link. "Mmm, i like the little boys. Eight is the ripe age."

"You know Link, i hate to say i told you so..." Navi said.

"Hmm?"- love link.

"Remember i said that he'd end up raping you? Well..." Navi explained.

"Enough!" Ganon moaned as he dragged Link down and bent him over.

Link screamed and wiggled free. "I'd have to be pretty drunk for you to get me right now! Or... atleast you'd have to put some of those kinky furry handcuffs on me."

Navi quickly remembered that she was supposed to be dead so you won't hear anymore from her.

Ganon seized a GIANT FLOPPING weiner and rubbed it in Links face. "Well well well, if it isn't the our hero playing with his food, now bend down boy!"

Link had realized that in the midst of confusion, his shoes came untied! So naturally, he bent down to tie them when...

"Compliance! Very well! Maybe i won't feast on your flesh after i am through with you." Ganon moaned.

Ganon closed in on his prey... closer... closer... nearing the finish line until suddenly...

"HHEEYYY KIIDDSS!!! I'll save you from that nasty mamo-mam!" Shoey screeched as he busted out of Link's sack and kicked Ganon. (I think you catch my drift wink wink )

Ganon fell to the floor moaning a bit more.

"Shoey! You saved me! Why didn't you tell me you had magical powers?" Link exclaimed!

"What do you mean partner? I.. I am magic?" Shoey asked.

"Well of course! Only the good kind of magic can defeat Ganon! (Or if you use double the bad kind of magic, because everybody knows two wrongs make it right.) And you defeated him! You are a hero! I should have loved you more often!" Link said.

Shoey started to tear up with joy. "If only pappy were here to see this. He would be so proud."

Shoey rose into the air and started to glow as magical pixie dust rained over all of Hyrule.

Link dashed off to Lon Lon Ranch and sold the milk back for twice what he had originally payed for it, and then returned to Zelda with the profit.

"Well link, once again your heroic deeds have conquered Ganon and earned me a couple of rupees. Now I have one last task for you." Zelda said.

Link looked up at her quizzically. "What do you need princess?"

"I am pregnant... here take this coat hanger. You know what to do."

"Ohhh that's our princess!!!!" - Link

:-- : ╥.╥╥: ..END.. :╥╥.╥ : --:  
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End file.
